A funny thing happened when I ventured out of the office yesterday for a little walk to get some fresh air and to pick up lunch. For emphasis, various spelling errors have been purposefully made below:
I am walking on the downtown mall. Out of the corner of my eye amongst the people strolling down the street, I spot a white male (late 20’s) wearing high-water coveralls, a plaid shirt and workman’s boots. He is walking a small, squat dog. He is walking as if he has been riding a horse his whole life, maybe. I am pretty sure his dog was on a rope.
Man hears my heels coming and turns around to see who is coming.
Man keeps looking.
I continuing walking down the street, ignoring man. Man walks quickly to catch up so he is walking next to me. As I pass by ‘The Nook’ man exclaims loudly in a thick Southern accent,
“Whars a nice plarce ta take ye on our farst date?”
I continuing walking down the street. I don’t look at him, thinking that if I ignore him he will get the hint.
Man, louder: “Heya Thare! I sayed, whars a nice plarce ta take ye on a farst date!?”
Me, surprised, walking faster, annoyed: “Oh, I’m married.”
Man: “So what! Say, izhe bettahr lurkin’ than me?”
Me, walking even faster: “Yes, most definitely.”
Man: “REALLY, nawr…reeeeally?”
Me, walking even faster: “Oh yes. Sorry he just is.”
Man, puts his hand to his heart dramatically: “Hawwr, now ye gone ‘en hert ma feelins! Ourch!”
Me (walking away, over my shoulder): “Oh, I’m sorry. He is very handsome.”
Man: “Naw, I’m jus playin. (runs to catch up) Hay! Well ders he have a cute doggie, ana southurn accent?”
Me (walking faster down the street, clearly pissed off): “No, he does not.”
Man, stops, yells out: “Wellp that’s somethin, right!?!”
It was hilarious! Unfortunately I started to get a bit creeped out by this guy, not because he was menacing in anyway, but because I am always on my guard when walking down the street. I endured a lot of street harassment and one very frightening attack on the streets of DC and now sort of see the world differently. The funniest part of the story was his response to the information that I was married. Next time I will say something to the effect of “Sorry, not interested AND I’m married—bye!”